Previous Feature: Ben Newell

Ben Newell, 44, works as a library clerk at a small college in Jackson, Mississippi. Recent pub credits include And So On . . . The BareBack Anthology, LUMMOX 5, and Nerve Cowboy. He used to be a pretty damn good skateboarder until he became too old and too uninsured.

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crapshoot

The guy
is hard to decipher, hard to pin down;
sometimes
he shows up right after you call;
other times
it’s several hours, perhaps even several days.

I reported
my leaky kitchen sink
on
Saturday morning
then drank two cups of coffee
and took a dump
and, yes, while taking this dump
the guy started banging
on my door—

“MAINTENANCE! MAINTENANCE! MAINTENANCE!”

But there was nothing I could do,
nothing but sit there
and wait
and stare at my grimy bathroom floor
as he eventually gave up
and added me to his
shit list.

*

andy and alf

I skipped my high school prom
to session
a piece of shit launch ramp
with a 6th grader named Andy.

Not much of a skater
but he was one hell of a comedian.

Andy was known for his spot-on
impersonation of Alf.

It was truly remarkable.

Andy sounded more like Alf
than Alf—

And I don’t know whatever became
of Andy
but even if he’s a homeless addict
sucking cock for crack
he’ll always have the Alf thing.

Nobody can take that away
from him.

Not even
an alien from another planet.

*

reparations

I come home from work
on a Tuesday
to find yet another condom wrapper,
this one on the walkway
leading to the stairs.

Trojan, purple variety.

Last week was Trojan Magnum,
three of those fuckers—

I’m the only white person
in this 4-plex
and the only person period
not getting laid.

*

rent and relief

The blonde cam model
with the big tits
just moved in to a new apt.

I see boxes, packed and unpacked,
in the background.

Propped against the wall,
a skateboard deck
with a Charlie Sheen graphic—

“Charlie Sheen,”
I type.

“Hell yeah,” she types, “I love me
some Charlie Sheen.”

“Winning,” I type.

“Tiger blood,” she types.

Then I take her private
where typing is no longer necessary
and we can use our hands
for more
pressing matters.

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